Santa's Little Helpers

With Christmas fast approaching, I thought it might be handy to share a few thoughts when it comes to shopping with kids in tow.

First off, make sure you have a realistic head on. There are three basic facts about shopping with children. You are not going to get nearly as much done as you hoped you would, you will undoubtedly end up spending more money than you would do if shopping alone, and everyone will get tired and testy at some point, you included. If you accept these inevitabilities from the outset rather than fear or fight them, the day won't be nearly as bad as you were expecting.

The first problem is easy to tackle. Start by going through your list, crossing out anything that isn't essential. Then when you're out and about, don't be a perfectionist. "That'll do!" is an excellent phrase to be repeated.

To keep costs down, take some bottles of water and a few snacks to cut down on those sudden attacks of thirst and hunger that can become irritatingly expensive. Saying that, a sit-down with a hot chocolate is a damn good reward or bribe - however you want to play it.

Tired and testy is a harder nut to crack. But here are a couple of games to try which might help make shopping a bit more fun for everyone:

Alphabet I-Spy - The first person looks around and names something they can spy-with-their-little-eye beginning with an A. The next person calls outs something beginning with a B, next person C, and so on. Depending on the age of the players, impose a ten second time limit to come up with a word, and the letters Q, X and Z can be left out. If you go around the alphabet more than once, take care not to repeat any words.

Celebrity Spotting - Older children adore this and it's very good for breaking up any teenage tension. Look out for any look-alikes. So for instance, a old man wearing an orangish wig? Why, it's Elton John of course. A thin woman with dark hair, high heels and sunglasses. Well, I never did! It's Victoria Beckham! Two small lads seemingly joined at the shoulders - Ant and Dec!

The Imitation Game - A good one for queues. Look at the person standing in front of you (assuming they have their back turned towards you). Try to copy everything they do without them noticing, whether it's shuffling about on their feet, fishing around in their pockets for a wallet, whistling, exhaling loudly, answering their mobile phone, etc. Be as bold as you dare, and if you raise their suspicions by mistake, just smile nicely and wish them a Merry Christmas.

Good luck!

It Was A Dark And Stormy Night....

Winter is most definitely around the corner. Gusting winds have blown any remaining autumn leaves off the trees, torrential rain has signalled the arrival of the perma-puddle in our driveway that will now stay with us until drier weather arrives in May, but perhaps most depressing of all are the darker mornings and evenings.

Pitch-black mornings aren't too much of a challenge for parents (once you've managed to extract children away from their warm duvets). Once you're up, you're up and there never seems to be too much time to mope around. It's the afternoons and evenings that tend to be trickier. Post-school, there seems to be about twenty minutes daylight before the gloom descends. Afternoon and evening blend into one and tend to drag on, and on, and on. So, if you're in need of a few pointers to help relieve the winter blues boredom, here are some thoughts.

Hold a Construction Olympics during the week. Each night, any bored child must build an object of your choice within a specified time using Lego, K’nex or any other such toys lying idle in tubs. On the first two nights, set a timer for fifteen minutes whilst they create something simple like a plate of chips or a church. Increase the timer to thirty minutes for a mid-week rocket or robot. Allow an hour on Friday evening for a more challenging project like a secret spy den or a boat that can fly. Every day when time is up, they should present their sculptures explaining any buttons or special features. Award points out of ten for both ingenuity and looks and keep a running score. If they’ve managed to notch up over 50 points by the end of the week, treat them to something special at the weekend.

It’s not too ridiculously early for Celebrity Santa either. Let them search the internet for images of their favourite TV characters, footballers, or X-Factor judges and print them out on the computer. Cut around the figures or faces and stick on to the front of a piece of folded card. Now for the fun bit – give all of them a Santa makeover. You’ll need to glue on cotton wool beards and red hats of course, but a touch of glitter on John Terry’s shirt or some antlers on Bart Simpson’s skateboard will also add to the disguise. Accumulate and keep safe over the next few weeks, then hand out to school friends at the end of term.

If anyone is still kicking their heels, put them in charge of supper. That’ll be scrambled eggs on toast for four, please.

Leaf Me Alone!

I wondered if a few autumnal activities for 9-12 year-olds might help other parents out there with a troublesome "tween" on their hands. It's at this age that their independence starts to really kick in (a good thing), but sadly kids often haven't got a clue how to handle it (an understandable thing) and end up talking to you as if you were their absolute worst enemy (definitely a bad thing). Sometimes a blast of fresh air and a quick five minutes doing something completely different can be just what's needed to break up any brewing tensions.

Look to autumn leaves for inspiration. First off, stand under a tree and have a go at Catching Wishes. As the leaves come fluttering down, try to catch one. This is much harder than it sounds as leaves are a bit like supermarket trolleys and have a directional mind of their own. For each leaf that you get, you can make a wish. This is best done out loud so that you can get plenty of ideas for Christmas presents. Hmmmm, now will it be world peace or an ipod touch.....?

Next, get them to collect a few leaves with good, strong, bumpy veins on them. Go for a couple of different varieties. If they haven't tried leaf-rubbing for a few years, then encourage them to revisit it. It's strangely calming and satisfying which could be just what they need right now. If they think this is all too babyish, or have indeed thrown all their wax crayons away in favour of fancy felt-tips, get the silver foil out. For a shimmering alternative, just cover the leaf with foil and rub over with a bare finger.

And lastly, something a little more active. Get some sticky tape and carefully wrap some, sticky side facing outwards, around heads, wrists, thighs and ankles. Select some leaves (horse chestnut are particularly good for headdresses) and press down on to the tape. Once you have transformed yourselves into leaf warriors, perform a stamping, shouting, shaking tribal dance to dispel any remaining anger.

However big and bad they are trying to be, remember that they are only little.

Do I Really Say That?

The Imitation Game has many strengths. It keeps everyone seated for longer at the table during mealtimes, it is pretty much guaranteed to get you all laughing, it challenges the whole family and makes you use your creativity. But above all, it makes you realise just how ridiculous you can sound sometimes, and gives you an important nudge to change your ways.

Everyone has a number of pieces of paper, say ten or fifteen each, and a different colour pen. Take a few minutes to scribble down the name of someone you all know - a member of the family, a relative, a neighbour, teacher, celebrity, pet, friend, etc. - one name per piece of paper. Fold all the papers up and chuck them into a bowl, then place them in the centre of the table.

The first player starts by picking a name out of the bowl. They announce the colour of the pen its been written in, so that the author knows to keep quiet for this particular round. Player one then gives their finest impression of the person whose name is on the paper. Whoever correctly guesses first wins the piece of paper and the bowl is passed to the next player for another impression. Keep going until the bowl is empty, then count up all the papers and declare a winner.

So, impressions may include the following:-

1) "That was, quite honestly, one of the worst auditions we have ever seen. Seriously. A nightmare. And your eyes are freaky".... Simon Cowell, naturally.

2) "Philip and I are deeply honoured to be so rich and so horsey".... The Queen.

3) "Right! That is IT!! I am the only person who ever bothers to clean anything in this house!!".... Apparently this is me.

How much do I want to be remembered for this kind of thing? Not at all. Not one itsy-bitsy-bit. It's not even a true statement. The kids do tidy their rooms (every once in a while). It's obviously time for me to chill out about the mess. Or maybe just get a cleaner?

Coughs and Colds

With swine flu on the rise again and plenty of meaty coughs and permacolds about, lots of kids are off school at the moment. Us parents are obviously heeding the current advice (quite rightly) to keep our snotty, sore-throated angels at home rather than our usual practice of packing them and their germs off to school. So for anyone whose children are ill enough to wangle the day off but well enough to seemingly bounce around indoors getting bored, here are some ideas that might help.

Robot building keeps them busy for a while. Rummage in the recycling bin for newspapers, carboard boxes and egg cartons. You will also need copious supplies of sellotape. Get your invalid to design and manufacture their own robot costume. Start with a box for the head, cutting out holes for the eyes and a big slit for the mouth. Egg-carton buttons or twisted paper antennae are good add-ons. For the body, tape large sheets of paper directly on to their pyjamas. Cereal boxes make perfect robotic feet, otherwise bandage up ankles with paper strips. Finally, bind arms and legs tightly in newspaper so the robot has no choice but to move with stiff limbs. Make the most of their costume by putting on some electronic music and encouraging them to stagger around the dancefloor. If it's medicine time, try spooning it through the slit - a good distraction if it tastes revolting.

Before you tidy up, why not hold a Tallest Tower Competition. Work together to build different structures using only newspaper and tape. Try piling scrunched up-balls on top of each other, or making a giant, floppy cylinder that can be balanced on one end. A personal favourite is a tripod made out of firmly rolled tubes with another tube stuck on to the top for extra height. Determine the winning design, then throw everything back into the recycling.

And encourage an afternoon nap by snuggling them back into bed with a hot water bottle and a book. There's nothing like a few pages of a good read and a warm duvet to make your eyes droopy.

Pen And Paper

I think my Desert Island Discs luxury item might have to be pen and paper, particularly if I'm lucky enough to take my kids with me to keep me company. With pen and paper, there are just so many great games to be enjoyed together as a family.

Top of the list has to be Word Consequences. Each of you has a piece of paper and writes down the name of a girl or female (preferably someone you all know) then folds the top of the paper down to cover it up. Everyone then passes their paper to the person on their right and writes down "met" followed by a boy's or man's name. Fold down and pass on again and then write "at" followed by a possible location for a date, e.g. "behind the bike shed" or "outside the loos at Paddington station". Keep folding and passing as you make up something that "She said" and "He said", then add a final consequence, as obvious or random as you like, such as "They both lived happily ever after" or "They squashed bananas all night long and turned into bright blue aliens". Fold and pass for the final time then open up your papers and read aloud.

Another all-time fave is Start With A Squiggle, a really good one to remember if you've got a handful of kids of different ages to amuse or if you've got a child asking you "What shall I draw?". Everyone scribbles down a quick squiggle in the middle of the page - by a squiggle I mean a simple line or two, a shape, a doodle, anything that's not too complicated. Pass your squiggle on to the player on your right. Look at the squiggle in front of you, turn the page any which way you like, and turn it into the start of a new drawing. So for instance, some curvy lines that look like a top of a cloud could also be a sheep, a dinosaur with bumpy back or a frog's head with bulgy eyes. If you turn it on its side, it could be a monster's hand coming round the door. If you turn it upside down you have the start of a comedy car with lots of wheels. Younger children are particularly good at doing the initial squiggles and will enjoy watching their older friends turning them into masterpieces.

And if island life isn't as idyllic as you'd like - maybe those pesky parakeets are keeping you awake all night or those blimming mosquitos are getting more food than you - you can let off some steam by writing a diary or drawing a calming picture of the sunset. Perfect! Come to think of it, scrumpling up some paper to make earplugs or rolling up a page to make a fly swat may be a better idea.

Bonkers For Conkers

A quick reminder of how to enjoy these beauties without bruising your knuckles.

First, take enormous pride in the fact that you got that stamp to open up the prickly shell just right and have revealed that chestnut jewel. Best of all, you are the first person in the whole world to touch it.

Secondly, if you've collected loads, then the simplest thing is to find something like an upturned plastic flowerpot or empty water bottle, and play Target Practice. Sit about ten feet away from the target, take turns to throw conkers at it, and see who has the best aim and can knock it over the quickest. Play ad infinitum.

Alternatively, arrange an assortment of cups, cereal bowls and pans in a large circle around you and try to land your conkers inside them. Label each container with numbers according to difficulty, then see who can score the most points with ten conkers.

Or try a penguin race. Put your arms down by your sides with your hands parallel to the floor. Now the tricky bit. Pick up a few conkers and place on the backs of both your hands. (Little hands can only manage one or two, grown-ups should aim for at least three.) Start the race and waddle as fast as you can to a finish line keeping the conkers balanced. If they roll off, you must pick them up and replace before continuing.

For anyone still keen on the traditional pastime of all-out conker war, please can I suggest a slightly gentler alternative. All-out apple war. Windfall apples, particularly the mushy kind, are much easier to skewer and thread onto string, the explosions are far more spectacular, there's much more mess to laugh at and your hands don't hurt nearly as much afterwards.

Tasty Blackberries and Spiders

This gorgeous late summer weather has been just the ticket. I wasn't at all ready to start bunkering down.

The blackberries are amazing this year. Every hedge seems to be stuffed full of big, fat juicy ones so we've been keenly foraging. This week's home-grown produce included Apple & Blackberry Juice (completely delicious and has used up loads of our boring cookers) and Apple & Blackberry Jam (more like a thick jelly really, but tippety-top on toast). We've also simmered the odd handful with a bit of sugar for a few minutes and served up the thick syrup that looks like congealed blood over the top of ice-cream. Mmm, Mmm, Mmm.

I've also had my first spider's-web-up-nostrils moment this week. Every year at this time, you just cannot be out in the garden without walking smack bang straight into one. But just why, no matter how tall you are, do they always have to be at face height? Anyway, for anyone feeling bereft of September spiders, here's an edible version to make with the kids. Take two round cheese biscuits and sandwich together with some cream cheese. Then stick eight twiglets or chipsticks into the cheese to resemble legs and add a couple of sultanas for eyes. Snacktastic!

How Many Times?

Ever played the game called "How Many Times?" You know, the one where you ask a question, (usually related to whatever you're up to), such as "How many times have we walked to school in the rain?" or "How many times have you eaten a '99 flake?" You then mull over each other's guesses, often wildly inaccurate, possibly sharing a funny memory that the question has triggered, before moving on to a new question. It's one of those gentle pastimes that can come in handy when the kids are kicking their heels, or indeed each other's heels.

Well my question to myself today is, "How many times have you thought about getting a website up and running and then done absolutely nothing about it?" Oooh, now, let me see... 10 times a week for the last two and a bit years? That's about 1,200 times. Impressive procrastination, huh?

Hence this blog. It's not exactly the award-winning, internationally-renowned, visited-by-millions-website I had imagined. But it's a start in getting my games and ideas to amuse the whole family into digital form and out into cyberspace. I hope the Daleks become a happier bunch as a result.